Lt Sgt Shaggy's List of Things Not to Do
by Half Baked Cat
Summary: Lt. Sgt. Shaggy is part of the Scout Regiment. And like most scouts after being in the field a few times, he has developed a few eccentricities. Some of which he is no longer allowed to do.
1. Chapter 1

1\. Must be in full uniform while on duty. That means pants.

2\. Not allowed to operate 3D gear while drunk.

3\. Jackalopes do not exist.

4\. Not allowed to attach antlers to rabbits to make jackalopes.

5\. Not allowed to train fake jackalopes into an elite titan killing force. No matter how effective.

6\. Pie does not have claws! Do not change this!

7\. Lt. Sgt. Shaggy is not a shifter.

8\. Not allowed to get onto the back of a titan and ride it.

9\. We have your x-rays. We know where you heart is. Stop claiming it is in any other location while saluting.

10\. Digging out and eating the heart of a titan will not make you a shifter.

11\. Any comments about what titans taste like will result in a week in toilet cleaning duty.

12\. Actually eating any part of a titan will result in the addition of also having to clean the barracks.

13\. Lt. Sgt. Shaggy is banned from cleaning the toilets.

14\. Not allowed to drink while on duty.

15\. Lt. Sgt. Shaggy is banned from being within 50 feet of any cleaning supplies unless there is a seige.

16\. Lt. Sgt. Shaggy's use of cleaners is officially classified as a crime against nature and is a last resort measure.

17\. Potatoes do not double as sex toys.

18\. Death is not an acceptable excuse for getting out of formation when you are the one saying you are dead.

19\. While the 3-D gear blades are indeed razor sharp, they are not to be used for shaving.

20\. Getting your equipment ready for the mission does not mean masturbation.

21\. Command does not want to know why or how you have a barrel of butter, a crate of condoms, a fancy tea set, five stuffed animals, and a fire poker. Do it off the clock and do not interfere with on duty officers.

22\. We reiterate that the full uniform includes pants. Not a dress, not a kilt, not shorts, not tights, not body paint.

23\. Flirting in the heat of battle, while technically acceptable, is not advisable.

24\. Pants must have a crotch while on duty. We don't care who, why, or how the pants lost their crotch. We don't care if it happened while on duty. Just put on crotched pants while on duty.

25\. Should it come to pass that Lt. Sgt. Shaggy is a shifter, he is still not a shifter.

26\. No covering the new recruits in ketchup and mustard and calling them Titan bait.

27\. No buying barrels of condiments for recreational purposes with government money.

28\. No buying anything for recreational purposes with government money.

29\. Pants are to be worn over legs, not on your head.

30\. Overalls are, currently, acceptable replacements for pants.

31\. If the buddy system is put into place for any reason, this does not mean sleeping bags, bunks, beds, or other sleeping accomidations must be shared with your buddy as well.

32\. Titans are not angels. We are not planning on killing God. Our fire power is not enough to make any higher power hide.

33\. No writing and selling Scout Regigement porn.

34\. No giving away Scout Regigement porn to the civilian population. Keep it within the ranks.

35\. The commander is the most ecentric officer in the southern region.

36\. That was not a challenge.

37\. Pants are to be worn the correct way out.

38\. The harness goes outside your pants, underwear goes inside your pants.

39\. Being outside of the walls that defend humanity while a part of the Scout Regiment means you are on duty.

40\. Having sex with a superior officer is allowed. Just keep in mind the previous rules. Especially the ones involving pants and duty.

41\. MP stands for Military Police. Not Magical Princess, Majestic Ponies, Monster Piss, Military Pounces, Misused Police, Mister Poopiehead, Master Pirates, or Mistress Peanut

42\. Leave the human sized hamster ball at home. It may provide better protection against Titans, but it lacks mobility, speed, or offensive capabilities.

43\. No, adding offensive capabilities will not allow you to bring the human sized hamster ball.

44\. Lt. Sgt. Shaggy will only be allowed to be promoted to section commander if enough people volunteer to follow his lead.

45\. Section Commander Shaggy does not get to designate uniform shirt color for his section.

46\. Section Commander Shaggy is not to include two barrels of pudding in his supply list with the listed reason of "Its pudding". One barrel is allowed and will be part of the food provisions.

47\. Decoy humans may be included in the supply list. These decoys will be manaquins. They will not be the "Useless nobels who are nothing but a waste of resources" nor will they be prisoners. No human deserves to be titan bait.

48\. Decoy humans will not be corpses. That is considered disrespectful and wrong to do.

49\. Creating a circle of salt on the outside of camp is a waste of resources. Salt is expensive and does not keep titans at bay.

50\. A barrel of blood is acceptable to include on supply list, but command wants to know what the blood is for. Explaining it as Titan cameflauge with no evidence something like this has worked previously will not work. Explaining it as a barrel of condiments will not work. Explaining that it is for cooking will result in the blood being among the food provisions.

51\. Section Commander Levi does not appreciate being covered in blood.

52\. Depending on how you die in the line of duty you can be promoted several ranks. However, Section Commander Shaggy will never be promoted above the commander of all the squads. There is only one man outside the four military branches at a time and no military ranks above his. At best, Section Commander Shaggy can achieve a post-humorous rank equal to the Commander of All Squads.

53\. Saving members of your squad, while commendable, is incredibly stupid when it involves cutting into the stomach of a titan and then cutting out through the nape of the titan's neck as an escape route.

54\. Section Commander Shaggy is not to wear the military uniform while doing off duty activities. Especially if it involves his human sized hamster ball. This does mean he can go without pants, so long as he is out of jail by the time he is to do any of his duties.

55\. Section Commander Shaggy is reminded that public relations is important to all branches of the military and is not to direct any civilian inquiries to "Those guys with the dick headed horse".

56\. Not allowed to glue a dildo to Commander Pixit's horse. He is eccentric enough to keep it and happily be the guy with a dick headed horse to rub in the face of the military police that their horses don't have a dick on their head like their badges show.

Author's Note: Needed to get my writing muse working on anything so I can finish the one actual story I have. I will be happy to elaborate on any of these items that people want me to. Yes, this list is partially inspired by Skippy's list. Shaggy is an OC. Feel free to steal Shaggy for any story where such an OC would be useful.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a cool night outside of the safety of Wall Rose. Camp had been setup and patrols were being made to make sure no titans made it close to the Scouts. Lt. Sgt. Shaggy was asleep under a single blanket on one of the supply carts, a bottle of wine with nary a drop of the red spirit left.

Suddenly a shout came out and everyone was roused from slumber and put on alert and ready to leave at a moment's notice. An aberration came running into the middle of the sleep formation, intent seemingly to destroy the scout's supplies. Lt. Sgt. Shaggy was first to start running to take out the titan before all the supplies they had were scattered and destroyed. A couple of stumbles, a bit of vomit, and a barely killing blow later, he was on the ground again, leaning over and throwing up some more of what contents he had in his stomach.

His commanding officer, a rather dull man in public, came up to him and said, "Congratulations on slaying that titan, but, next time, let someone sober use the 3D gear. You obviously can't take the motion while drunk. No go put on some damn pants."


End file.
